I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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