Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
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