i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize
