So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
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