remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Randomize
