just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Randomize
