look no pants
first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
i dont even know how to be here
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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