I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
Randomize
