If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
