the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
how do you spell 'special'? like slow?
S P E L L C H E C K
No you dumbass thats not right
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
Randomize
