the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Randomize
