I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Randomize
