and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
sarcasm needs its own font
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
