literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
Randomize
