I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
