I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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