Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Randomize
