I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Randomize
