Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
