I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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