I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize
