And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
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