I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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