I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
New drinking game: drink every time the guy whose room we are in is creepy
enjoy the hospital
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
