I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Randomize
