there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize