i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Randomize
