It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Randomize
