Spring semester is just not the same w/o you
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Randomize
