I cannot find my penis.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
