You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
I can't put those talents on a resume
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
The Olympian is in my bed
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
