It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
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