i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
