I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
Randomize