oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
