I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
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