I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
just found my diary from when i was 14. i demand a drinking game of this.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
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