why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
