So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize