It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
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