She said so on her MySpace, so it's gotta be true.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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