Plan B is the new Plan A
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Randomize
