I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Small penises have feelings too.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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