conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
The Olympian is in my bed
I need mimosas to revive my soul
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
Randomize
