3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
I'm pretty sure that every show on ABC Family could be turned into a drinking game.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Dick very happy bro
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
