Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Randomize
