I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
Randomize
