I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
