Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
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