Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Randomize
