Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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