Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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