apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
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