Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Randomize
