I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
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