You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
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