she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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