Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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