Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
